I’m going to try to blog a bit more often. Most times when I feel like writing a post, I can’t remember which e-mail I need to use to log in. Turns out it’s the most obvious one. Remember this, future me.
I have pretty much not spoken to friends in more than a month. Two or three months at least, for most of them. Sometimes I wonder if we’re even still friends – I mean, how do you know?
So here’s what happened. I got a job. Yay, right? Well yeah, I do feel like I have stuff to do now and it’s helping me structure my days more, which is good because lack of structure usually sets me off. And it’s kind of in customer service, but mostly I’m just cleaning things. This is when I’m thankful that my longest special interest has been theatre and acting. Interacting with customers isn’t too hard because it’s usually the same script over and over. Same with coworkers.
But those superficial interactions have basically been the only social interaction I’ve had for months, except for one friend who was actually really wonderful when I was injured last month. This is why: work is taking up all of my social processing power. When I get home, on some level I know I haven’t talked to my friends for a long time, and some part of me might even miss that, but I don’t have anything left to actually try and set something up. I’m prone to cancelling things last minute at the best of times. Now, I can’t even bother to initiate. And on the other end, no one else is really trying either.
This is when I realize I’m different from other people. Judging by their facebooks, at least. I think neurotypicals would at least try to socialize once in a while. They would want to. And I’m not saying I don’t want to socialize at all. But I’m kind of… content? by myself. I go to work, I come home, I watch TV or play videogames or write plays or read books. And I feel myself coming up with a lot of judgement, like I’m some weirdo because I like being alone. “Who likes being alone?” My judgey part says, wondering why I’m not like everyone else.
Well you know what? I do. I like being alone. This is not to say that I don’t want anyone to talk to me ever again. I’ll talk to you. Bonus points if you do it by text or internet because I’m better with that.
You know what I WOULD like? I’d like to be near people, but not necessarily forced to interact. I’d like to sit in a busy cafeteria and just watch and absorb people for a little bit. I’d like to sit in a hallway outside of a university classroom where people are just hanging out and listen to them.
Does that make me weird? Who cares. If it does, I’ll be unabashedly weird. That’s so much easier than fighting myself because I’m not “normal”.
You know what hammering a square peg into a round hole does? It destroys the peg.