Choose wisely

I’m going to try to blog a bit more often. Most times when I feel like writing a post, I can’t remember which e-mail I need to use to log in. Turns out it’s the most obvious one. Remember this, future me.

I have pretty much not spoken to friends in more than a month. Two or three months at least, for most of them. Sometimes I wonder if we’re even still friends – I mean, how do you know?

So here’s what happened. I got a job. Yay, right? Well yeah, I do feel like I have stuff to do now and it’s helping me structure my days more, which is good because lack of structure usually sets me off. And it’s kind of in customer service, but mostly I’m just cleaning things. This is when I’m thankful that my longest special interest has been theatre and acting. Interacting with customers isn’t too hard because it’s usually the same script over and over. Same with coworkers.

But those superficial interactions have basically been the only social interaction I’ve had for months, except for one friend who was actually really wonderful when I was injured last month. This is why: work is taking up all of my social processing power. When I get home, on some level I know I haven’t talked to my friends for a long time, and some part of me might even miss that, but I don’t have anything left to actually try and set something up. I’m prone to cancelling things last minute at the best of times. Now, I can’t even bother to initiate. And on the other end, no one else is really trying either.

This is when I realize I’m different from other people. Judging by their facebooks, at least. I think neurotypicals would at least try to socialize once in a while. They would want to. And I’m not saying I don’t want to socialize at all. But I’m kind of… content? by myself. I go to work, I come home, I watch TV or play videogames or write plays or read books. And I feel myself coming up with a lot of judgement, like I’m some weirdo because I like being alone. “Who likes being alone?” My judgey part says, wondering why I’m not like everyone else.

Well you know what? I do. I like being alone. This is not to say that I don’t want anyone to talk to me ever again. I’ll talk to you. Bonus points if you do it by text or internet because I’m better with that.

You know what I WOULD like? I’d like to be near people, but not necessarily forced to interact. I’d like to sit in a busy cafeteria and just watch and absorb people for a little bit. I’d like to sit in a hallway outside of a university classroom where people are just hanging out and listen to them.

Does that make me weird? Who cares. If it does, I’ll be unabashedly weird. That’s so much easier than fighting myself because I’m not “normal”.

You know what hammering a square peg into a round hole does? It destroys the peg.

4 responses to “Choose wisely

  1. Weird but not unique? Sounds like me 🙂

  2. I know what you mean, I tended to do the same, living quite happily on my own doing my own thing etc, but I felt, in the quieter moments a loneliness. My answer was to join groups, go visiting friends, and meeting their friends volunteer for communal activities and generally get out there. Actions that were more initiated by the people I did know than myself, but I did accept their invitations more often. I am still not a party person, and loathe discos, but I did eventually meet that special person and have several equally strange new friends. My advice, unasked, is 1,Don’t be someone else, but 2, Look more for those that are positive, and compatible. 3,Don’t ignore the negative people, just run away as fast as possible. J. >

  3. Well hi.
    Nice to see your newest comments. Hanging out as you described, being surrounded by people doing their thing but not having to act/react yourself but just absorb is great. You don’t have to measure up, say the right things, react in the right way, say things people expect others to say ie acting some kind of part. I learned so much by people watching when growing up, I didn’t speak up a lot and was glad I didn’t because by doing that and letting others talk I saved myself heaps of embarrassment because the thing I thought to say was completely wrong, stupid.
    Keep well. And by the way relationships or marriage aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. “Normal” people have to work at a good relationship we have to work double or triple hard at keeping a relationship. I’m married, for the second time, I had a break of about 15 years with no relationships at all whilst I struggled to bring up two children. Don’t get me wrong I care very much about my husband, but the strain is too much sometimes and I find myself looking to the future when I may once more live on my own, have my space to chill out as much as I need.. I don’t get to do that at all now, to,have all my things where I want, go out and they’ll still be there when I get back and so much more.
    The joke is that I’m diagnosed Aspergers, my husband is NT, but sometimes he more Aspergers than I am.
    All the best.

  4. I empathize and relate to this all too well.

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