It’s one of those days where I have to remind myself that things can be worse. Yes, I have a mental illness, but I have not yet been homeless, or cast out by family. No one has refused me entry or service because I was bipolar. Social services is another issue. I HAVE been barred from getting help for my bipolar disorder because I had “too much support”, and I HAVE been barred from most help for autism for being “too high functioning.”
It’s a problem a lot of autistic adults face. Once you’re out of the school system, support for your differences is few and far between. And it’s not like we stop being autistic once we graduate high school. I wasn’t even diagnosed until college, but the diagnosis was mainly based on clear signs from childhood. But many autistic children learn ways to mask the most glaring aspects of autism by the time they are an adult, and so, they function for a while and then burnout. I have heard other autistic people talking about autistic burnout, trying to pass as “normal” for too long.
I wonder how many people with autism have a comorbid mental illness and I would like to talk to them. When things get dark and you can’t breathe, how do you reach out to a friend when your definition of friend is shaky and you don’t know how much weight is appropriate to lean on someone and all of the uncertainty makes you not reach out at all? Does anyone else understand how scary it is to be darkly depressed but completely isolated?
I don’t *not* come to you because I won’t. I’m not proud. I want help. The reason I don’t come to you is twofold, both related to autism. First, childhood bullying. Simply put, I’m scared. Second, I don’t know what the rules are for asking for help. I don’t know what is too much. I don’t know how to start the conversation.
I think this would be a really good skill to start teaching autistic children. In a study cited by the National Institutes of Health, 70% of the kids had a comorbid disorder, and 41% had two or more. Most common were social anxiety disorder and ADHD. Things like bipolar disorder and depression usually have a later age of onset, or at least adulthood (though there are childhood cases.) Where are the studies of autistic adults and their comorbids?
My bipolar disorder and my autism interact directly. When I’m depressed, I can’t handle chit chat nearly as well and am either very quiet and not participating, or I’m cutting straight to the point. When I’m manic, my sensory sensitivities are turned up even higher, the closing of a door becomes a gunshot and I can practically hear the NEIGHBOUR’s TV.
But asking for help is hard, for non-autistics, but even more so for autistic people. And I think the general population tends to operate on “Oh, it’s his life. Maybe he’s having trouble, but if he needs me, he’ll ask.”
I’ve spent nights choking as I tried to breathe, staring at the phone but unable to call because I DIDN’T KNOW IF I WAS ALLOWED.
Autistic adults with mental health comorbids: I hear you. I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary and isolating. But we will get through.